Gifted Gift-Giving Givers and Don't Feed The Mouth That Bites You

The Quivering Chin (Mom) recently remarked on Facebook that she has 3 unopened bottles of Eskimo Joe's Juke Joint Jazz (a local meat rub that is not Alaskan).  She then states that she has so many because they were probably going to be stocking stuffers.  This reminded me that I haven't told you guys that my parents have amazing abilities at giving presents.  Thought I'd give you the highlights*:

• Spatula
• Can of Peas
• Almost every kind of barbecue sauce you can find at the store
• A print out of a movie review of a Jim Carrey movie
• Scooby Doo everything
• Cartoon ties
• A Yanni t-shirt
• A patriotic Sylvester and Tweety t-shirt
• Can of Raisin Brown Bread (I got this in March and was told they forgot to give this to me for Christmas)
• Stuffed or Clay Teddy Bears (This represents many, many gifts.  There was about 4 years straight that they would bring me a bear every time we saw them.  This has no meaning, and they have never asked where they all are.)
• Year You Were Born books (I've lost count as to how many of these things I've received.  I did get the exact same publication on 2 adjacent birthdays.  This also includes What Famous People Share Your Birthday type books.)
• Jeff Gordon paraphernalia (Several years ago, I started to watching NASCAR as a way to have something in common with my in-laws.  My parents heard this news and presented me with a Jeff Gordon t-shirt, a Jeff Gordon ball cap, and a Jeff Gordon beer stein for my birthday.  The Wife actually fell on the floor laughing because her whole family HATED Jeff Gordon at the time and she told my parents that I probably hated Jeff Gordon more than I liked any other driver.  Hallmark Pop (Dad) then explained that I "could just trade it with my buddies".)
• A birthday card with a muscular, well-oiled male posing on a rocky beach in a Speedo (because I also liked to work out)

*Note: all items listed were received after I married The Wife.

Zombie tip:
I've been following a television show on AMC named The Walking Dead.  It's a gripping story of a group of survivors currently and occasionally surviving a zombie apocalypse.  The comic it's based on is much better.  Anyway, the point here is not to plug this.  The point here is to help you to prevent some of the mistakes made on the show (no worries, these are not plot related spoilers).

1. Everyone fights.  Leaving it to the menfolk is dumb and suicidal.
2. If you are lucky enough to have a crossbow with bolts or a bow with arrows, NEVER LEAVE A BOLT/ARROW BEHIND!  Pick up after yourself, reuse, repeat.
3. STOP PUNCHING ZOMBIES IN THE FACE.  People fight all the time.  Fighting very often leaves bloody knuckles.  And if the science of the show can be believed, zombies don't have lips.  This means that zombie's primary weapon is bared and ready to transfer his fluid into you.  You already know to stay away from the pointy parts of swords and the blasty ends of gun barrels.  Quit trying to cut your knuckles in a zombie's mouth.

Deathwatch and The Eagle

I'm fairly certain I know where I get my obsession with the undead, but I honestly think that my obsession is healthier than that of the source of my obsession.  I'm speaking, of course, of my parents.  

My parents go to funerals.  All the time.  And it's not like it's because people are dying all around them. They just legitimately enjoy going to funerals.  Hallmark Pop (my father) and The Quivering Chin (my mother) believe somehow that they have the tools to comfort those ailing with the loss of a loved one. 

 The Quivering Chin has the ability to just be sad and bring others down.  Serving as an obvious reminder as to what's really going on at the funeral.  She, for some reason, loves to see people cry.  Always has.  I remember watching My Girl with her when I was younger and she stared at me more than the movie once the Culkan kid got bee-stung (spoiler alert) to make sure I could show my emotions.  She also really badly wants to be her parents.  She's been wearing the same clothes as my Grandma for almost 10 years now (polyester pants and sweater sets and she's really close to the orthopedic shoes).  Now my grandparents have been going to funerals more and more the past couple decades because, well, they're old.  Their friends are old.  But they've also kept in contact with their friends through written correspondence over many, many years and have maintained true friendships with them.  But TQC just sees them going to funerals, so she feels she has to also.

Now Hallmark Pop is named that way because someone told him once when he was younger that he was "thoughtful" and he took that as the biggest compliment of his life.  Now, while he means well, he tries WAY too hard to receive that compliment again.  His prayers at the dinner table, I swear, are rehearsed. There's no telling what he tells these grieving people that don't even know who he is.  That's right.  They go to funerals for people they don't know.  He went to one of a guy that was in the alumni association of the college he went to.  He had heard of this fellow, was impressed by his resume, read that he had shuffled off, and decided that was a good time to get to know the guy personally.  He attended his funeral and remarked about how interesting it was to hear about the man's personal life.  Can you stalk a person that has passed?  I guess so.  It'd be pretty easy.  "Day 4, 0700 hours: Subject still in grave."  Recently, tragically, a 16-year old cancer sufferer, had passed.  HP offered the gift of a videotape of the funeral for the young man's family so they would have that special memory as he works on the camera team at his church.  Like I said, he means well, but that's warped.  I've never heard of a funeral being videotaped, and I think there's a good reason for that.  No one wants to remember the part about the departed departing.  But to a funeral junkie, what would be better?  Creep.

Zombie Tip:  Here is a commonly overlooked tool for zombie survival: a hunting eagle.  The first video here shows a pretty good example of tactics that could easily be used in zombie combat.  Notice how the pissed off goats are taunted by the eagle staying just out of reach.  Of course, I would not approve of this risky taunting behavior, but you got to admit its effectiveness.  

This second video just demonstrates a pretty energy efficient means of survival.  No bullets to run out of.  And all you have to do is share meat with your eagle.  Win-win.