Whimper Giggle and Rubber Recycling

WARNING: So those of you that know my father will be able to do that thing like when you see a bit of text and a picture of Morgan Freeman, you'd be physically unable to read that bit of text without hearing Morgan Freeman's voice.  For those of you that don't know my father, just pretend he's Morgan Freeman.  That being said, let's do this.

Tonight at work, I get a phone call from someone requesting information about a mission.  After my standard ultra professional greeting, she says "Hi! My name is *Birdy Vanderplopapoo* from Task Force *Doesn't Matter*."

And in my best My Dad voice, I say "Well hi!  How are you doing tonight?" (See warning above.)

Birdy Vanderplopapoo then proceeds with the conversation completely dismantled and kept dismantling for the next 4 minutes.  She started making self-deprecating jokes about losing track of days because she worked nights.  Which was completely innocent in itself, but I could hear her self confidence absolutely unravel.

And then came the whimper giggle.

After everything I said like "Yes I received your email," "Thank you very much," and "I just so happened to have already taken care of it," she would just wilt over the phone with her whimper giggle.

Now we've all seen the movies where the shy, awkward, teen girl talks to the most popular cock who spends too much money on his hair.  I'm not saying this is anything like that, but if you were to draw a comparison from that, I wouldn't blame you.

Who would've thought that my My Dad voice would weaken the knees of the meek?  Not me.

Zombie Tip:

So I know that my last Zombie Tip hinted at an elaborate encampment set up with lots of planning and construction.  Well here's a tip for what you could do in the meantime.

Most of you have tried the agility drill where you run through a group of tires trying not to trip.  Have you ever done it flawlessly?  Plausible.  Have you ever fallen on your face because your foot got caught on the inner lip of tire?  Absolutely.  After all of the gasoline is used up and all of the abandoned automobiles have been abandoned, collect the tires.  Once said tires have been collected, use the tires as a trip moat, so to speak.

Setting up a perimeter of otherwise unused tires around your compound, encampment, bunker, or cushion fort, should slow the walkers enough to buy you valuable time to run or aim, decrease spent calories through diminished construction endeavors, increase the visibility of your overwatch, and boost your group's morale because watching zombies fall all over themselves has got to be new pastime worthy.  

If zombies have a weakness, it'd be that they're clumsy, and we'd be downright silly if we didn't exploit this.

Food for thought.

Bonus lesson from this tip: tire irons make great zombie defense weapons.

A Land Far, Far Away and Land Far, Far, Well Not That Far Away

I miss stuff:
I miss my wife and pushing her buttons (not like that you nasty perv...well...nevermind).  I miss my oldest daughter constantly being upside-down and her ability to sneak and startle me.  I miss my youngest daughter's horse sense and raccoonism (she will climb and find food and then stash it around the house to eat later)(We feed her, don't start that judgmental crap with me).  I miss my dog being treated as a boy dog (he should be chasing squirrels and rabbits and cats, not wearing sweaters and bows).  I miss my cooking.  I miss most of my wife's cooking.  I miss working with people accountable for knowing how to do their jobs.  I miss my 45 minute one-way commute.  I miss 40-hour work weeks.  I miss lunches with my friends at my favorite lunch joints downtown in the city I work.  I miss rum.  I miss not wearing PT belts and eyepro everywhere.   I miss margaritas.  I miss having choices that don't affect others.  I miss when other people's choices don't affect me.  I miss playing disc golf.  I miss the drama in disc golf league.  I miss having my own desk.  I miss going to the gun range.  I miss my stay-cold pillow.  I miss having deep, meaningful conversations about zombie biologies, zombie tactics, other miscellaneous zombie theories.  I miss stuff.

I don't mean to bring you down, Bruce, but this is my blog, so you can get eaten by zombies if you think this is too mopey to read and learn from.  Also, don't take that as a personal attack.  You're too sensitive.



Zombie tip:

I've traveled for work to most of the states still a part of these United States.  One thing I've noticed, while moving from the airport to the job site, is that there are WIDE, OPEN SPACES in every state.  Let me say that again with more emphasis.  WIDE.  OPEN.  DAMN.  SPACES.  Now what this means in terms of zombie survival is this: remote bug out havens don't have to be out of reach. Consider this, when the panic hits, a metric assload of those panicking panickers will become zombies (they should've read my work) all while the other honey bunches of panicking panickers will be evacuating.  Probably somewhere North, mountainous, or both.  Jury is still out on whether zombies freeze and die, freeze and thaw, or be altogether unaffected by the temperature drop, but many survivors will bank on slower, frozen zombies.  So they'll go where it's cold.  Crowds are dangerous.  Where crowds are present, so too will be zombies.  Crowds will be where crowds have been (cities) and where they're going (Destination Frozone)  There is a saying you should forget, "Safety in numbers."  Numbers should remain relatively low as to remain undetected and agile.

So, knowing now that cities, Northern and/or mountainous locations, and the routes in which to get there will be crammed with walker bait, don't go there.  Bug out somewhere remote, but what I'm saying is, remote is not that far away.  Remote is everywhere.  Get off the highway and you'll be there soon.  You won't have to stock up on gear for an unfamiliar climate.  You already have it in your closets.  You don't have to scavenge libraries or bookstores for literature on unfamiliar flora and fauna (didn't work for Christopher McCandless either).  Just learn what's around you...now.  Food for thought.

Captain Conundrum and The Wet Work

Holy crap.  This deployment has made me rethink my education choices of my youth.  I currently work for a person with a college degree.  He currently makes twice as much as me.  My 9 year old daughter has a better mastery of the English language and my 5 year old daughter has much better critical thinking skills.  This captain in the United States Army will not live by one of my mantras: Stop.  Think.  Look around.  Then talk.  I say it all of the time because, well, that's what a mantra is.  This captain of the United States Army makes up words.  This captain of the United States Army will not read.  This guy will say aloud his thought processes in the form of questions to those of us in his section, fully expecting us to fill in the blanks.  Oh Sweet Marmalade, How Big Those Blanks Are?!  I've told this captain of the United States Army that I think I should volunteer at the medical clinic, because I'm pretty sure they could use a crutch too.

I've started writing down just a small smattering of words and phrases this captain of the United States Army has graced us with:

"abstronomical" astronomical

"exkoozenary" qualifying for exception

"signinnify" signify

"rooeen" ruin

"linereeage" lineage

"sholldjers" soldiers

"thoroull" thorough (This one is fun because he asked how to spell it as in thoroullness and actually argued because he "could've sworn that it had an L".)

"Kytigeronda" Ticonderoga (Now I can't tell you why, but the word Ticonderoga comes up in conversation several times weekly.  It has been one of my highlights every time he attempts this gem.)

"I never did join any sororities or anything like that."

"Obama didn't win the popular vote.  He only won the electrical votes."  (I followed that up with "I'm checking Google right now, but I think he got the plumbing votes though.")

I'm not going into his tactical choices and questions.  Just know, they're jaw-dropping.

Basically, I've come to this conclussion: This captain of the United States Army did not graduate college without someone else actually doing the work for him.  So I guess that means he's pretty resourceful; however, I'm growing tired of being one of his resources.

I will try to update this word list in the comments as new, amazing words and -isms as they come along.

Zombie Tip:

When choosing a zombie-destroying weapon, keep in mind that fluid transfer is a real threat.  Creating distance and/or a cleaner kill should, at least, be a factor in your selection process.  Firearms and other projectile weapons are the obvious choice for creating distance (unless, of course, you should use an avoidance defense as mentioned in a previous article), but remember you have finite resources.  Properly used blades could provide for quick, mid- to short-range kills, but you must be mindful of the removal of the blade so you don't infect your entire attack area with medium velocity gray matter splatter (reference CSI and Dexter).  Blunt weapons would limit the amount of splatter (results may vary), but shorter range may or may not limit your effectiveness and ability to discourage to death multiple attacker.  Point is, find your weapon, practice as often as practical, and keep the zombie juicy juice out of your holes.  Food for thought.

Been a Long Time and Timing Could Have Been Timed Better.

Sorry for the inactivity.  There, the formalities are out of the way.

Currently, I'm am deployed to Afghanistan with the Army National Guard from my state.  I've been here a few months and have decided to spend some of my time letting you kids know about some of the interesting and absurd and otherwise-labeled people and events that I have experienced.

First off, a little background: I work in an office.  I work in an office for 12 hours almost every night.  I am in a battalion headquarters position.  I monitor and report from 3 separate computer systems of varying security levels and 5 monitors.  Sounds fancy. 

I have several stories already, and it seems silly as a blogger to unload all of them right here, right now (great, now that song's stuck in my head).

So I've come to find out that people are nasty.  Some of these people that are fighting for your freedom are coming back from their respective office jobs, staying in their uniforms, even keeping their boots on, going straight to bed, waking up late, and coming back to work in week old clothes and underclothes.  Some of these people that are fighting for your freedom like to shave their short hairs in common areas and wait for the hired contractors to clean up after them a day later.  One guy took a dump in the shower...twice.  And just to clarify, it wasn't emergency-style poo, it was a full-on turd...twice.  Didn't even hide it.  Like I said, "nasty".  If you have a deployed service member in your family, please encourage them to clean themselves.  Don't force them to spend every waking, non-working moment Skyping with you.  Tell them to clean themselves and stop embarrassing you.  Just saying.

Zombie tip:

So it really is a shame that TEOTWAWKI  is supposed to happen while I'm over here.  All of that prepping (by reading the Internets) and I can't go home to bug out.  So today's zombie tip is when prepping and training, include your family and friends.  However, when you include your family and friends, make sure you've vetted them.  While it's to be expected that the leaders and the led will fall into place over time, you must insure that the leaders and the led do not become the crutches and the moochers from the start.  Everyone contributes.  Everyone preps.  Everyone is responsible for their own survival.

Gifted Gift-Giving Givers and Don't Feed The Mouth That Bites You

The Quivering Chin (Mom) recently remarked on Facebook that she has 3 unopened bottles of Eskimo Joe's Juke Joint Jazz (a local meat rub that is not Alaskan).  She then states that she has so many because they were probably going to be stocking stuffers.  This reminded me that I haven't told you guys that my parents have amazing abilities at giving presents.  Thought I'd give you the highlights*:

• Spatula
• Can of Peas
• Almost every kind of barbecue sauce you can find at the store
• A print out of a movie review of a Jim Carrey movie
• Scooby Doo everything
• Cartoon ties
• A Yanni t-shirt
• A patriotic Sylvester and Tweety t-shirt
• Can of Raisin Brown Bread (I got this in March and was told they forgot to give this to me for Christmas)
• Stuffed or Clay Teddy Bears (This represents many, many gifts.  There was about 4 years straight that they would bring me a bear every time we saw them.  This has no meaning, and they have never asked where they all are.)
• Year You Were Born books (I've lost count as to how many of these things I've received.  I did get the exact same publication on 2 adjacent birthdays.  This also includes What Famous People Share Your Birthday type books.)
• Jeff Gordon paraphernalia (Several years ago, I started to watching NASCAR as a way to have something in common with my in-laws.  My parents heard this news and presented me with a Jeff Gordon t-shirt, a Jeff Gordon ball cap, and a Jeff Gordon beer stein for my birthday.  The Wife actually fell on the floor laughing because her whole family HATED Jeff Gordon at the time and she told my parents that I probably hated Jeff Gordon more than I liked any other driver.  Hallmark Pop (Dad) then explained that I "could just trade it with my buddies".)
• A birthday card with a muscular, well-oiled male posing on a rocky beach in a Speedo (because I also liked to work out)

*Note: all items listed were received after I married The Wife.

Zombie tip:
I've been following a television show on AMC named The Walking Dead.  It's a gripping story of a group of survivors currently and occasionally surviving a zombie apocalypse.  The comic it's based on is much better.  Anyway, the point here is not to plug this.  The point here is to help you to prevent some of the mistakes made on the show (no worries, these are not plot related spoilers).

1. Everyone fights.  Leaving it to the menfolk is dumb and suicidal.
2. If you are lucky enough to have a crossbow with bolts or a bow with arrows, NEVER LEAVE A BOLT/ARROW BEHIND!  Pick up after yourself, reuse, repeat.
3. STOP PUNCHING ZOMBIES IN THE FACE.  People fight all the time.  Fighting very often leaves bloody knuckles.  And if the science of the show can be believed, zombies don't have lips.  This means that zombie's primary weapon is bared and ready to transfer his fluid into you.  You already know to stay away from the pointy parts of swords and the blasty ends of gun barrels.  Quit trying to cut your knuckles in a zombie's mouth.

The Heart of the City and "Learn how punch, after you learn how keep dry!"

The other day while returning to my car after work with a coworker, a young man rode up to us on his bicycle with a messenger bag in his lap (you're doing it wrong) and interrupted our conversation with, "Skooze me, do you guys like jazz?"


"No."


"Oh.  Okay.  Have you ever heard of Chet Baker?"


Exchanging side eyes, we both say, "No."


"He has about 200 albums out and played with, like, Miles Davis."


"Neat." "Cool."


"Okay.  Thanks."  And then he tried to ride away, but he slipped off his pedal caught a bike in his nuts.  Then he rolled away...slowly.


This episode reminded me of how much I love downtown and its rich characters (they're really the 99%).  Here are my top three downtown story crushes in order:


#3 - I work in a building that has a local bank branch on the ground floor.  To advertise their whereabouts and loan specials, they post posters in a decorative glass poster encasement just outside the doors.  At this particular time of year, they had a poster with an attractive, ethnically ambiguous female smiling next to the free checking marketing.  Well one of the downtown street roommates (99 percenter) found this to be too good to be true.  So looking deep into the poster's eyes, he whispered what I imagine to be the most romantic of pillow talk while playing one of the most violent games of pocket pool I've ever heard of.  All while my friends and I stood there with the expressions of train wreck watchers.  The next day there was still the teardrop smudge of his nose, mouth, and chin on the glass blurring her face.  It was a beautiful reminder of love in the city.


#2 - I was filling out the application to get a library card at the downtown library.  A gentlemanly woman wearing clothes too warm for the season strides in with intensity and a hint of panic.  She asks the matronly librarian if she had seen a man with a forgettable description.  Something about a hat and a backpack.  She could have just described Short Round from Temple of Doom for all I know.  Anyway, the librarian says that she hadn't seen anyone that matches that description.  Then the panicky woman explains the reason finding this man was so important by telling all that could hear, "Well, I was supposed to meet him here.  We were supposed to f%*k."  I tensed up trying to not react before she walked away and I broke the pen in my hand.  It was a beautiful reminder of love in the city.


#1 - A coworker and I were coming back from lunch.  We heard yelling and screaming from a singular voice and identified the source as a borderline feral lady with some amazingly pinchable meth cheeks stomping down the middle of a busy downtown street.  There were lots of "f%*k you"s and the like, but we were more concerned as to why this human was so irate.  We looked up and down the street and finally saw a gentleman conspicuously trying to be inconspicuous mall-walking down the sidewalk and we figured this was the focus of the rant.  Then we heard very clearly from Meth Cheeks, "You loved me last night, you could love me again today! F%*K YOU!!!"  My coworker and I jumped and cheered and quickly ran inside.  It was a beautiful reminder of love in the city.


Zombie tip: Lots of websites will try to sell you on the point that weapons are the most important item on your zombie preparedness list.  This site is not one of them.  Find something blunt that has multiple purposes (hammer, lug wrench, Mag light, wrecking bar, folding shovel, lead pipe, candlestick from the conservatory,...) and run away.  Avoidance of the threat is the best defense.  Blades have a chance with getting stuck in your attacker and you would hate to cut yourself, wouldn't you?  Guns draw attention whilst requiring a supply source of ammo to be of any use.  Not saying those are bad choices if that's what you've got, but they'd be better used for defending yourself from cannibal bandits or for hunting.


The most important thing to consider is where are you getting clean water or food?  If all you saved are bullets, you might as well eat one.  TV and Movies seem to diminish the importance of food, water, and sleep.  Doesn't sell.  During your avoidance defense, you've got to be prepared to replace the calories you are burning and stay hydrated.  Save your non-perishables, learn to hunt, fish, trap, and forage, start a farm.  Dig a well, harvest rain water and clean it, bug out to a spring, stream, or spring-/stream-fed lake, build a water tank.  Or join a band of cannibal bandits and pool your resources.

Deathwatch and The Eagle

I'm fairly certain I know where I get my obsession with the undead, but I honestly think that my obsession is healthier than that of the source of my obsession.  I'm speaking, of course, of my parents.  

My parents go to funerals.  All the time.  And it's not like it's because people are dying all around them. They just legitimately enjoy going to funerals.  Hallmark Pop (my father) and The Quivering Chin (my mother) believe somehow that they have the tools to comfort those ailing with the loss of a loved one. 

 The Quivering Chin has the ability to just be sad and bring others down.  Serving as an obvious reminder as to what's really going on at the funeral.  She, for some reason, loves to see people cry.  Always has.  I remember watching My Girl with her when I was younger and she stared at me more than the movie once the Culkan kid got bee-stung (spoiler alert) to make sure I could show my emotions.  She also really badly wants to be her parents.  She's been wearing the same clothes as my Grandma for almost 10 years now (polyester pants and sweater sets and she's really close to the orthopedic shoes).  Now my grandparents have been going to funerals more and more the past couple decades because, well, they're old.  Their friends are old.  But they've also kept in contact with their friends through written correspondence over many, many years and have maintained true friendships with them.  But TQC just sees them going to funerals, so she feels she has to also.

Now Hallmark Pop is named that way because someone told him once when he was younger that he was "thoughtful" and he took that as the biggest compliment of his life.  Now, while he means well, he tries WAY too hard to receive that compliment again.  His prayers at the dinner table, I swear, are rehearsed. There's no telling what he tells these grieving people that don't even know who he is.  That's right.  They go to funerals for people they don't know.  He went to one of a guy that was in the alumni association of the college he went to.  He had heard of this fellow, was impressed by his resume, read that he had shuffled off, and decided that was a good time to get to know the guy personally.  He attended his funeral and remarked about how interesting it was to hear about the man's personal life.  Can you stalk a person that has passed?  I guess so.  It'd be pretty easy.  "Day 4, 0700 hours: Subject still in grave."  Recently, tragically, a 16-year old cancer sufferer, had passed.  HP offered the gift of a videotape of the funeral for the young man's family so they would have that special memory as he works on the camera team at his church.  Like I said, he means well, but that's warped.  I've never heard of a funeral being videotaped, and I think there's a good reason for that.  No one wants to remember the part about the departed departing.  But to a funeral junkie, what would be better?  Creep.

Zombie Tip:  Here is a commonly overlooked tool for zombie survival: a hunting eagle.  The first video here shows a pretty good example of tactics that could easily be used in zombie combat.  Notice how the pissed off goats are taunted by the eagle staying just out of reach.  Of course, I would not approve of this risky taunting behavior, but you got to admit its effectiveness.  

This second video just demonstrates a pretty energy efficient means of survival.  No bullets to run out of.  And all you have to do is share meat with your eagle.  Win-win.

Dinner with Diana of Themyscira and Herd Training

I was introducing Wonder Woman to Donut Fish.  While I describing WW's Lasso of Truth, her indestructible wristbands, and her invisible plane, DF thought I said "invisible plate".  I start in with, "Yep, that's what I said, an invisible plate.  Everyone thinks she just eats off the table, but really she's using her invisible plate.  Isn't that super?"

She flicks back, "You mean, 'Isn't that supper?"

Zombie tip: Play bo-taoshi.  When playing, imagine the opposing team as a bunch of biters.  Shit yourself.  This is the hubbub, Bub.  

When preparing for the zombie apocalypse, yes, it is practical and even exciting to practice marksmanship and hitting high pitches with your blunt melee weapon, but have a plan for the herd.  Avoid detection (Scent-A-Way, Walk Quietly in a Forest, Hide a campfire) and have lookouts and multiple escape routes.  Stay in shape with endurance, sprint, and agility routines (soccer players seem to have an advantage here Soccer Workout). Being swarmed is a surefire way to become a part of said swarm.  Remember though to have fun playing bo-taoshi, but play to win.

P.S. Notice how loose-fitting, easily-grabbed clothing can quickly get you tossed around or tear to expose your delicious flesh?  Dress thoughtfully.  

M&A and BOB

I've been working for the past month on a mustache.  This will be the 3rd time in my life at the attempt as apparently it takes a while.

What I've come to notice during this little experiment was that mustaches (or at least mine) are like titties.  And really great titties at that.  Almost everyone was drawn to it.  There were double-takes from strangers and almost everyone I talked to couldn't look me in the eyes.  I felt like a piece of meat.  And liked it.  I had National Guard this weekend and did not want to cage the cookie duster in an Army standards box, so, alas, I set it free.  See Army standard below.

Zombie tip: Link to story about lady having to bug out.

Do some preparing at least.  No, you don't have to keep all of your valuables in a bug-out ready bag.  But keeping them in a central location in your home might not be a bad idea.  Or hell, just knowing what you want to evacuate with will save you precious time.  If you have important papers and photographs that are worth saving, I highly suggest scanning them to a thumb drive or saving them to an online server like dropbox.com.  There isn't a single location on the planet that Mother Nature can't occasionally slam from the top rope.

Fair warning and nuke Boca Raton

This page will have zombie related material, but it will not be exclusive to zombies.

Boy, glad that's over with.  It was pretty tense back there.  Lots of...tension.  Glad we made it through.  Together.

Last night, I went to Donut Fish's (daughter #1) 3rd grade class for Curriculum Night with her teacher.  I'm glad I only have to go to these things once a year.  I went to hear what the teacher had to say because Wifey said she couldn't go because of "work purposes".  DF's teacher started talking about their schedules for the day and how important reading was and zzzzzzzzzzz, and then she gets interrupted by one those 3rd grade parents. 

 "Do you have any extra time during the day for the struggler?" 

(Please keep your questions until the end.)

"Well, we haven't scheduled any..." 

"Because we're from Florida and they had 30 extra minutes a day for the kids that are struggling with their reading."

(Why are you interrupting her?)

"Well I go around during individual reading to..."

"But you don't have any extra time built for them?  How do you give the struggling kids a chance to catch up?

(Just let her talk so I can leave!)

"During individu..."

"Sorry, I'm from Florida and they do things different than they do here."

(No shit! They teach our kids to read!)

Other 3rd grade parent: "We lived in Florida too, where are you from?"

(There's more of you??)

"Boca Raton, you?"

(Go back!)

"Pensacola, we blah, blah, blah."

"Oh I love it there, we totally are going to have to talk later about this blah, puke, barf"

(I want to go home!)

Holy crap!  I'm a kid's dad.  I don't care where you're from.  I don't care for the snooty Boca Raton tone.  And why are you being snooty anyway?  My kid reads good.  I have to listen to the teacher and tell Wifey I listened to the teacher.  Zip it already!  I want to feed and get on Turntable.

Zombie tip: So when you're digging your moat around your fort, I highly suggest that you use a pick ax.  The longer you use it, the more you will get the rhythm and the feel of letting the tool do the work for you.  This new skill will prove to be very important in zombie combat (if you choose a pick ax as your weapon).  Also pay special attention to the technique that works best for you when dislodging the pick ax out of a sticky spot.  You'll need that technique to quickly retrieve your pick ax to prepare for the next attacker if it gets stuck in a roamer dome.  Food for thought.