Whimper Giggle and Rubber Recycling

WARNING: So those of you that know my father will be able to do that thing like when you see a bit of text and a picture of Morgan Freeman, you'd be physically unable to read that bit of text without hearing Morgan Freeman's voice.  For those of you that don't know my father, just pretend he's Morgan Freeman.  That being said, let's do this.

Tonight at work, I get a phone call from someone requesting information about a mission.  After my standard ultra professional greeting, she says "Hi! My name is *Birdy Vanderplopapoo* from Task Force *Doesn't Matter*."

And in my best My Dad voice, I say "Well hi!  How are you doing tonight?" (See warning above.)

Birdy Vanderplopapoo then proceeds with the conversation completely dismantled and kept dismantling for the next 4 minutes.  She started making self-deprecating jokes about losing track of days because she worked nights.  Which was completely innocent in itself, but I could hear her self confidence absolutely unravel.

And then came the whimper giggle.

After everything I said like "Yes I received your email," "Thank you very much," and "I just so happened to have already taken care of it," she would just wilt over the phone with her whimper giggle.

Now we've all seen the movies where the shy, awkward, teen girl talks to the most popular cock who spends too much money on his hair.  I'm not saying this is anything like that, but if you were to draw a comparison from that, I wouldn't blame you.

Who would've thought that my My Dad voice would weaken the knees of the meek?  Not me.

Zombie Tip:

So I know that my last Zombie Tip hinted at an elaborate encampment set up with lots of planning and construction.  Well here's a tip for what you could do in the meantime.

Most of you have tried the agility drill where you run through a group of tires trying not to trip.  Have you ever done it flawlessly?  Plausible.  Have you ever fallen on your face because your foot got caught on the inner lip of tire?  Absolutely.  After all of the gasoline is used up and all of the abandoned automobiles have been abandoned, collect the tires.  Once said tires have been collected, use the tires as a trip moat, so to speak.

Setting up a perimeter of otherwise unused tires around your compound, encampment, bunker, or cushion fort, should slow the walkers enough to buy you valuable time to run or aim, decrease spent calories through diminished construction endeavors, increase the visibility of your overwatch, and boost your group's morale because watching zombies fall all over themselves has got to be new pastime worthy.  

If zombies have a weakness, it'd be that they're clumsy, and we'd be downright silly if we didn't exploit this.

Food for thought.

Bonus lesson from this tip: tire irons make great zombie defense weapons.

Fort Expletive and Surviving the Undead Eaters with The Eaters of the Dead

So, out of the blue, I received an email from a Sergeant First Class of the United States Army (SFC *Monosexual*).  It was just two attached pictures with "Pic you might like" in the subject line, no text in the email body.

Here is the first picture:

Fine.  It's zombie-related.  I'm the zombie guy.  I get it.  Cute.

And here's the next picture:

Here is the email thread that followed (names have obviously been changed and grammar is in it's original purity):

SFC *Monosexual*,

I also like making forts.  Coincidently, I also like fucking in forts.  However, while I am flattered that a guy so into himself would even notice and consider me for a fort fuck, I must regretfully decline.  I like vagina sex so much that I do not wish to try something new.

Very respectfully,

SSG *EATME*

Girl Lover

 

And then his reply:

I do believe that being on night shift has slanted your minds' eye!  If you read what I wrote, it said pics you might like, and in no way, fashion, or form did it proposition or imply.  I sincerely hope that you don't think that I, SFC *Monosexual*, am gay!  And just to clarity, if I "were" a gay, I am sure that I could do much better than SSG *EATME*.  I don't just "like" vagina sex,  I worship, love, and desire it and it only!  As for not trying something new, I find it hard to believe that a married man with multiple children and carries a purse out it the open of his own accord, isn't willing to try something new.  Don't think I haven't noticed how you look at *this captain of the United States Army* on a daily basis.  I see the catty smile you try to hide back when he says shift change!  I see the light in your eyes when you guys grab your stuff and leave.  Does he know about this deep hidden, primal affection you have for him?  Don't worry, I promise not to tell him anything, just thought you might want to know that we have noticed and you might want to work on keeping that affection on the "DL" if you don't want another rumor going around.  Remember, it is only rumor until someone finds evidence!  I will never tell!

This message will self-destruct in 5.......4..........3.........2........1.......

P.S. that pic was suppose to be a unicorn doing the butt drag with a rainbow skid mark.

 Finally my unanswered reply:

SFC *Monosexual*,

It's funny you mention *this captain of the United States Army*.  From the words he uses in the office while watching movies mostly, I have given him the label "homophobe".  I mentioned to him that I find the amount of compliments he gives me peculiar considering he's one of the biggest homophobes I know.  After relaying that story to a certain unnamed SFC, I was corrected.  This certain unnamed SFC followed with another story about how while he was getting out of the shower and drying off, *this captain of the United States Army* decided it was a good idea to invade this certain unnamed SFC's personal space and get ready to take the same shower stall before this certain unnamed SFC had cleared the area. 

All of that being said, I just read the same style of homophobia in your last email below.  It's almost like *this captain of the United States Army* and you have coordinated stories to make sure you get on the same page.  While I don't judge your lifestyle choices and I can't stop you from lying to me, I highly recommend that you don't lie to yourselves.  The news is riddled with tragic stories of the damaging mental effects of pretending to be something you're not. I have no doubt of your adoration of vagina sex.  However, I believe you also wouldn't necessarily turn down a penis in the butt/mouth.

I was taken off guard that you, of all people, sent me a fort fuck proposition out of the blue.  I truly thought you were a monosexual.  Honestly, I didn't blame you for also choosing me (especially knowing now that you've been with *this captain of the United States Army*), but that was before I knew you were into humans other than yourself. 

Reading your confession in your last email about watching me, it must have been torture to have waited this long to finally say something.  To curb your distress, I will say again, that while flattered that a monosexual would even notice me, I will decline your advance and all future advances.  It may hurt for now, but now you know for sure.

With a platonic hand shake,

SSG *EATME*

 

Zombie Tip:

Speaking of forts...

Excerpt from Chapter Four, The Eaters of the Dead by Michael Crichton

Now in this marshy region we stopped at a place they called Trelburg, which was a wonder to me. Here is no town, but rather a military camp, and its people are warriors, with few women or children among them. The defenses of this camp of Trelburg are constructed with great care and skill of workmanship in the Roman fashion.
Trelburg lies at the joining point of two wyks, which then run to the sea. The main part of the town is encircled by a round earthwork wall, as tall as five men standing one atop the other. Above this earthen ring there stands a wooden fence for greater protection. Outside the earthen ring there is a ditch filled with water, the depth I do not know.
These earthworks are excellently made, of a symmetry and quality to rival anything we know. And there is this further: on the landward side of the town, a second semicircle of high wall, and a second ditch beyond.
The town itself lies within the inner ring, which is broken by four gates, facing the four corners of the earth. Each gate is barred by strong oaken doors with heavy fittings of iron, and many guards. Many guards also walk the ramparts, keeping watch day and night.

Inside the town stand sixteen wooden dwellings, all the same: they are long houses, for so the Northmen call them, with walls that curve so that they resemble overturned boats with the ends cut flat front and back. In length they are thirty paces, and wider in the middle portion than either end. They are arranged thus: four long houses precisely set, so as to form a square. Four squares are arranged to make sixteen houses in all.

Every long house has but one entrance, and no house has its entrance within sight of another. I inquired why this was so, and Herger said thus: “If the camp is attacked, the men. must run to defense, and the doorways are such that the men can hasten without mingling and confusion, but on the contrary each man can proceed freely to the task of defense.”
Thus it is within the square that one house has a north door, the next house an east door, the next house a south door, the next house a west door; so also each of the four squares.
Then also I saw that while the Northmen are gigantic, these doorways were so low that even I must bend in two to enter one of the houses. I inquired of Herger, who said: “If we are attacked, a single warrior may remain inside the house, and with his sword cut off the heads of all who enter. The door is low so that heads will be bent for cutting.”
Verily, I saw that in all respects the Trelburg town was constructed for warfare and for defense. No trading is conducted here at all, as I have said. Inside the long houses, there are three sections or rooms, each with a door. The center room is the largest, and it also has a pit for rubbish.

Now, this book became a movie where Zorro was an Arabic poet with a Latin accent and fought bear-mascoted dirty people with Vikingish white dudes.  Good movie.

Point is, this excerpt is an excellent blueprint for setting up a post-zombie-apocalyptic encampment.  The walls, the moat, the longhouse positioning, the door construction and purpose (my personal highlight), and even the positioning of the camp itself between two streams.

Now, in my camp that I'm building in my mind (that all of the zombies crave more than yours), there will definitely be areas for agriculture, livestock, smithing, and congregating, but this is an excellent start.  Food for thought.