A Land Far, Far Away and Land Far, Far, Well Not That Far Away

I miss stuff:
I miss my wife and pushing her buttons (not like that you nasty perv...well...nevermind).  I miss my oldest daughter constantly being upside-down and her ability to sneak and startle me.  I miss my youngest daughter's horse sense and raccoonism (she will climb and find food and then stash it around the house to eat later)(We feed her, don't start that judgmental crap with me).  I miss my dog being treated as a boy dog (he should be chasing squirrels and rabbits and cats, not wearing sweaters and bows).  I miss my cooking.  I miss most of my wife's cooking.  I miss working with people accountable for knowing how to do their jobs.  I miss my 45 minute one-way commute.  I miss 40-hour work weeks.  I miss lunches with my friends at my favorite lunch joints downtown in the city I work.  I miss rum.  I miss not wearing PT belts and eyepro everywhere.   I miss margaritas.  I miss having choices that don't affect others.  I miss when other people's choices don't affect me.  I miss playing disc golf.  I miss the drama in disc golf league.  I miss having my own desk.  I miss going to the gun range.  I miss my stay-cold pillow.  I miss having deep, meaningful conversations about zombie biologies, zombie tactics, other miscellaneous zombie theories.  I miss stuff.

I don't mean to bring you down, Bruce, but this is my blog, so you can get eaten by zombies if you think this is too mopey to read and learn from.  Also, don't take that as a personal attack.  You're too sensitive.



Zombie tip:

I've traveled for work to most of the states still a part of these United States.  One thing I've noticed, while moving from the airport to the job site, is that there are WIDE, OPEN SPACES in every state.  Let me say that again with more emphasis.  WIDE.  OPEN.  DAMN.  SPACES.  Now what this means in terms of zombie survival is this: remote bug out havens don't have to be out of reach. Consider this, when the panic hits, a metric assload of those panicking panickers will become zombies (they should've read my work) all while the other honey bunches of panicking panickers will be evacuating.  Probably somewhere North, mountainous, or both.  Jury is still out on whether zombies freeze and die, freeze and thaw, or be altogether unaffected by the temperature drop, but many survivors will bank on slower, frozen zombies.  So they'll go where it's cold.  Crowds are dangerous.  Where crowds are present, so too will be zombies.  Crowds will be where crowds have been (cities) and where they're going (Destination Frozone)  There is a saying you should forget, "Safety in numbers."  Numbers should remain relatively low as to remain undetected and agile.

So, knowing now that cities, Northern and/or mountainous locations, and the routes in which to get there will be crammed with walker bait, don't go there.  Bug out somewhere remote, but what I'm saying is, remote is not that far away.  Remote is everywhere.  Get off the highway and you'll be there soon.  You won't have to stock up on gear for an unfamiliar climate.  You already have it in your closets.  You don't have to scavenge libraries or bookstores for literature on unfamiliar flora and fauna (didn't work for Christopher McCandless either).  Just learn what's around you...now.  Food for thought.

Captain Conundrum and The Wet Work

Holy crap.  This deployment has made me rethink my education choices of my youth.  I currently work for a person with a college degree.  He currently makes twice as much as me.  My 9 year old daughter has a better mastery of the English language and my 5 year old daughter has much better critical thinking skills.  This captain in the United States Army will not live by one of my mantras: Stop.  Think.  Look around.  Then talk.  I say it all of the time because, well, that's what a mantra is.  This captain of the United States Army makes up words.  This captain of the United States Army will not read.  This guy will say aloud his thought processes in the form of questions to those of us in his section, fully expecting us to fill in the blanks.  Oh Sweet Marmalade, How Big Those Blanks Are?!  I've told this captain of the United States Army that I think I should volunteer at the medical clinic, because I'm pretty sure they could use a crutch too.

I've started writing down just a small smattering of words and phrases this captain of the United States Army has graced us with:

"abstronomical" astronomical

"exkoozenary" qualifying for exception

"signinnify" signify

"rooeen" ruin

"linereeage" lineage

"sholldjers" soldiers

"thoroull" thorough (This one is fun because he asked how to spell it as in thoroullness and actually argued because he "could've sworn that it had an L".)

"Kytigeronda" Ticonderoga (Now I can't tell you why, but the word Ticonderoga comes up in conversation several times weekly.  It has been one of my highlights every time he attempts this gem.)

"I never did join any sororities or anything like that."

"Obama didn't win the popular vote.  He only won the electrical votes."  (I followed that up with "I'm checking Google right now, but I think he got the plumbing votes though.")

I'm not going into his tactical choices and questions.  Just know, they're jaw-dropping.

Basically, I've come to this conclussion: This captain of the United States Army did not graduate college without someone else actually doing the work for him.  So I guess that means he's pretty resourceful; however, I'm growing tired of being one of his resources.

I will try to update this word list in the comments as new, amazing words and -isms as they come along.

Zombie Tip:

When choosing a zombie-destroying weapon, keep in mind that fluid transfer is a real threat.  Creating distance and/or a cleaner kill should, at least, be a factor in your selection process.  Firearms and other projectile weapons are the obvious choice for creating distance (unless, of course, you should use an avoidance defense as mentioned in a previous article), but remember you have finite resources.  Properly used blades could provide for quick, mid- to short-range kills, but you must be mindful of the removal of the blade so you don't infect your entire attack area with medium velocity gray matter splatter (reference CSI and Dexter).  Blunt weapons would limit the amount of splatter (results may vary), but shorter range may or may not limit your effectiveness and ability to discourage to death multiple attacker.  Point is, find your weapon, practice as often as practical, and keep the zombie juicy juice out of your holes.  Food for thought.

Been a Long Time and Timing Could Have Been Timed Better.

Sorry for the inactivity.  There, the formalities are out of the way.

Currently, I'm am deployed to Afghanistan with the Army National Guard from my state.  I've been here a few months and have decided to spend some of my time letting you kids know about some of the interesting and absurd and otherwise-labeled people and events that I have experienced.

First off, a little background: I work in an office.  I work in an office for 12 hours almost every night.  I am in a battalion headquarters position.  I monitor and report from 3 separate computer systems of varying security levels and 5 monitors.  Sounds fancy. 

I have several stories already, and it seems silly as a blogger to unload all of them right here, right now (great, now that song's stuck in my head).

So I've come to find out that people are nasty.  Some of these people that are fighting for your freedom are coming back from their respective office jobs, staying in their uniforms, even keeping their boots on, going straight to bed, waking up late, and coming back to work in week old clothes and underclothes.  Some of these people that are fighting for your freedom like to shave their short hairs in common areas and wait for the hired contractors to clean up after them a day later.  One guy took a dump in the shower...twice.  And just to clarify, it wasn't emergency-style poo, it was a full-on turd...twice.  Didn't even hide it.  Like I said, "nasty".  If you have a deployed service member in your family, please encourage them to clean themselves.  Don't force them to spend every waking, non-working moment Skyping with you.  Tell them to clean themselves and stop embarrassing you.  Just saying.

Zombie tip:

So it really is a shame that TEOTWAWKI  is supposed to happen while I'm over here.  All of that prepping (by reading the Internets) and I can't go home to bug out.  So today's zombie tip is when prepping and training, include your family and friends.  However, when you include your family and friends, make sure you've vetted them.  While it's to be expected that the leaders and the led will fall into place over time, you must insure that the leaders and the led do not become the crutches and the moochers from the start.  Everyone contributes.  Everyone preps.  Everyone is responsible for their own survival.