Gifted Gift-Giving Givers and Don't Feed The Mouth That Bites You

The Quivering Chin (Mom) recently remarked on Facebook that she has 3 unopened bottles of Eskimo Joe's Juke Joint Jazz (a local meat rub that is not Alaskan).  She then states that she has so many because they were probably going to be stocking stuffers.  This reminded me that I haven't told you guys that my parents have amazing abilities at giving presents.  Thought I'd give you the highlights*:

• Spatula
• Can of Peas
• Almost every kind of barbecue sauce you can find at the store
• A print out of a movie review of a Jim Carrey movie
• Scooby Doo everything
• Cartoon ties
• A Yanni t-shirt
• A patriotic Sylvester and Tweety t-shirt
• Can of Raisin Brown Bread (I got this in March and was told they forgot to give this to me for Christmas)
• Stuffed or Clay Teddy Bears (This represents many, many gifts.  There was about 4 years straight that they would bring me a bear every time we saw them.  This has no meaning, and they have never asked where they all are.)
• Year You Were Born books (I've lost count as to how many of these things I've received.  I did get the exact same publication on 2 adjacent birthdays.  This also includes What Famous People Share Your Birthday type books.)
• Jeff Gordon paraphernalia (Several years ago, I started to watching NASCAR as a way to have something in common with my in-laws.  My parents heard this news and presented me with a Jeff Gordon t-shirt, a Jeff Gordon ball cap, and a Jeff Gordon beer stein for my birthday.  The Wife actually fell on the floor laughing because her whole family HATED Jeff Gordon at the time and she told my parents that I probably hated Jeff Gordon more than I liked any other driver.  Hallmark Pop (Dad) then explained that I "could just trade it with my buddies".)
• A birthday card with a muscular, well-oiled male posing on a rocky beach in a Speedo (because I also liked to work out)

*Note: all items listed were received after I married The Wife.

Zombie tip:
I've been following a television show on AMC named The Walking Dead.  It's a gripping story of a group of survivors currently and occasionally surviving a zombie apocalypse.  The comic it's based on is much better.  Anyway, the point here is not to plug this.  The point here is to help you to prevent some of the mistakes made on the show (no worries, these are not plot related spoilers).

1. Everyone fights.  Leaving it to the menfolk is dumb and suicidal.
2. If you are lucky enough to have a crossbow with bolts or a bow with arrows, NEVER LEAVE A BOLT/ARROW BEHIND!  Pick up after yourself, reuse, repeat.
3. STOP PUNCHING ZOMBIES IN THE FACE.  People fight all the time.  Fighting very often leaves bloody knuckles.  And if the science of the show can be believed, zombies don't have lips.  This means that zombie's primary weapon is bared and ready to transfer his fluid into you.  You already know to stay away from the pointy parts of swords and the blasty ends of gun barrels.  Quit trying to cut your knuckles in a zombie's mouth.

The Heart of the City and "Learn how punch, after you learn how keep dry!"

The other day while returning to my car after work with a coworker, a young man rode up to us on his bicycle with a messenger bag in his lap (you're doing it wrong) and interrupted our conversation with, "Skooze me, do you guys like jazz?"


"No."


"Oh.  Okay.  Have you ever heard of Chet Baker?"


Exchanging side eyes, we both say, "No."


"He has about 200 albums out and played with, like, Miles Davis."


"Neat." "Cool."


"Okay.  Thanks."  And then he tried to ride away, but he slipped off his pedal caught a bike in his nuts.  Then he rolled away...slowly.


This episode reminded me of how much I love downtown and its rich characters (they're really the 99%).  Here are my top three downtown story crushes in order:


#3 - I work in a building that has a local bank branch on the ground floor.  To advertise their whereabouts and loan specials, they post posters in a decorative glass poster encasement just outside the doors.  At this particular time of year, they had a poster with an attractive, ethnically ambiguous female smiling next to the free checking marketing.  Well one of the downtown street roommates (99 percenter) found this to be too good to be true.  So looking deep into the poster's eyes, he whispered what I imagine to be the most romantic of pillow talk while playing one of the most violent games of pocket pool I've ever heard of.  All while my friends and I stood there with the expressions of train wreck watchers.  The next day there was still the teardrop smudge of his nose, mouth, and chin on the glass blurring her face.  It was a beautiful reminder of love in the city.


#2 - I was filling out the application to get a library card at the downtown library.  A gentlemanly woman wearing clothes too warm for the season strides in with intensity and a hint of panic.  She asks the matronly librarian if she had seen a man with a forgettable description.  Something about a hat and a backpack.  She could have just described Short Round from Temple of Doom for all I know.  Anyway, the librarian says that she hadn't seen anyone that matches that description.  Then the panicky woman explains the reason finding this man was so important by telling all that could hear, "Well, I was supposed to meet him here.  We were supposed to f%*k."  I tensed up trying to not react before she walked away and I broke the pen in my hand.  It was a beautiful reminder of love in the city.


#1 - A coworker and I were coming back from lunch.  We heard yelling and screaming from a singular voice and identified the source as a borderline feral lady with some amazingly pinchable meth cheeks stomping down the middle of a busy downtown street.  There were lots of "f%*k you"s and the like, but we were more concerned as to why this human was so irate.  We looked up and down the street and finally saw a gentleman conspicuously trying to be inconspicuous mall-walking down the sidewalk and we figured this was the focus of the rant.  Then we heard very clearly from Meth Cheeks, "You loved me last night, you could love me again today! F%*K YOU!!!"  My coworker and I jumped and cheered and quickly ran inside.  It was a beautiful reminder of love in the city.


Zombie tip: Lots of websites will try to sell you on the point that weapons are the most important item on your zombie preparedness list.  This site is not one of them.  Find something blunt that has multiple purposes (hammer, lug wrench, Mag light, wrecking bar, folding shovel, lead pipe, candlestick from the conservatory,...) and run away.  Avoidance of the threat is the best defense.  Blades have a chance with getting stuck in your attacker and you would hate to cut yourself, wouldn't you?  Guns draw attention whilst requiring a supply source of ammo to be of any use.  Not saying those are bad choices if that's what you've got, but they'd be better used for defending yourself from cannibal bandits or for hunting.


The most important thing to consider is where are you getting clean water or food?  If all you saved are bullets, you might as well eat one.  TV and Movies seem to diminish the importance of food, water, and sleep.  Doesn't sell.  During your avoidance defense, you've got to be prepared to replace the calories you are burning and stay hydrated.  Save your non-perishables, learn to hunt, fish, trap, and forage, start a farm.  Dig a well, harvest rain water and clean it, bug out to a spring, stream, or spring-/stream-fed lake, build a water tank.  Or join a band of cannibal bandits and pool your resources.

Deathwatch and The Eagle

I'm fairly certain I know where I get my obsession with the undead, but I honestly think that my obsession is healthier than that of the source of my obsession.  I'm speaking, of course, of my parents.  

My parents go to funerals.  All the time.  And it's not like it's because people are dying all around them. They just legitimately enjoy going to funerals.  Hallmark Pop (my father) and The Quivering Chin (my mother) believe somehow that they have the tools to comfort those ailing with the loss of a loved one. 

 The Quivering Chin has the ability to just be sad and bring others down.  Serving as an obvious reminder as to what's really going on at the funeral.  She, for some reason, loves to see people cry.  Always has.  I remember watching My Girl with her when I was younger and she stared at me more than the movie once the Culkan kid got bee-stung (spoiler alert) to make sure I could show my emotions.  She also really badly wants to be her parents.  She's been wearing the same clothes as my Grandma for almost 10 years now (polyester pants and sweater sets and she's really close to the orthopedic shoes).  Now my grandparents have been going to funerals more and more the past couple decades because, well, they're old.  Their friends are old.  But they've also kept in contact with their friends through written correspondence over many, many years and have maintained true friendships with them.  But TQC just sees them going to funerals, so she feels she has to also.

Now Hallmark Pop is named that way because someone told him once when he was younger that he was "thoughtful" and he took that as the biggest compliment of his life.  Now, while he means well, he tries WAY too hard to receive that compliment again.  His prayers at the dinner table, I swear, are rehearsed. There's no telling what he tells these grieving people that don't even know who he is.  That's right.  They go to funerals for people they don't know.  He went to one of a guy that was in the alumni association of the college he went to.  He had heard of this fellow, was impressed by his resume, read that he had shuffled off, and decided that was a good time to get to know the guy personally.  He attended his funeral and remarked about how interesting it was to hear about the man's personal life.  Can you stalk a person that has passed?  I guess so.  It'd be pretty easy.  "Day 4, 0700 hours: Subject still in grave."  Recently, tragically, a 16-year old cancer sufferer, had passed.  HP offered the gift of a videotape of the funeral for the young man's family so they would have that special memory as he works on the camera team at his church.  Like I said, he means well, but that's warped.  I've never heard of a funeral being videotaped, and I think there's a good reason for that.  No one wants to remember the part about the departed departing.  But to a funeral junkie, what would be better?  Creep.

Zombie Tip:  Here is a commonly overlooked tool for zombie survival: a hunting eagle.  The first video here shows a pretty good example of tactics that could easily be used in zombie combat.  Notice how the pissed off goats are taunted by the eagle staying just out of reach.  Of course, I would not approve of this risky taunting behavior, but you got to admit its effectiveness.  

This second video just demonstrates a pretty energy efficient means of survival.  No bullets to run out of.  And all you have to do is share meat with your eagle.  Win-win.

Dinner with Diana of Themyscira and Herd Training

I was introducing Wonder Woman to Donut Fish.  While I describing WW's Lasso of Truth, her indestructible wristbands, and her invisible plane, DF thought I said "invisible plate".  I start in with, "Yep, that's what I said, an invisible plate.  Everyone thinks she just eats off the table, but really she's using her invisible plate.  Isn't that super?"

She flicks back, "You mean, 'Isn't that supper?"

Zombie tip: Play bo-taoshi.  When playing, imagine the opposing team as a bunch of biters.  Shit yourself.  This is the hubbub, Bub.  

When preparing for the zombie apocalypse, yes, it is practical and even exciting to practice marksmanship and hitting high pitches with your blunt melee weapon, but have a plan for the herd.  Avoid detection (Scent-A-Way, Walk Quietly in a Forest, Hide a campfire) and have lookouts and multiple escape routes.  Stay in shape with endurance, sprint, and agility routines (soccer players seem to have an advantage here Soccer Workout). Being swarmed is a surefire way to become a part of said swarm.  Remember though to have fun playing bo-taoshi, but play to win.

P.S. Notice how loose-fitting, easily-grabbed clothing can quickly get you tossed around or tear to expose your delicious flesh?  Dress thoughtfully.  

M&A and BOB

I've been working for the past month on a mustache.  This will be the 3rd time in my life at the attempt as apparently it takes a while.

What I've come to notice during this little experiment was that mustaches (or at least mine) are like titties.  And really great titties at that.  Almost everyone was drawn to it.  There were double-takes from strangers and almost everyone I talked to couldn't look me in the eyes.  I felt like a piece of meat.  And liked it.  I had National Guard this weekend and did not want to cage the cookie duster in an Army standards box, so, alas, I set it free.  See Army standard below.

Zombie tip: Link to story about lady having to bug out.

Do some preparing at least.  No, you don't have to keep all of your valuables in a bug-out ready bag.  But keeping them in a central location in your home might not be a bad idea.  Or hell, just knowing what you want to evacuate with will save you precious time.  If you have important papers and photographs that are worth saving, I highly suggest scanning them to a thumb drive or saving them to an online server like dropbox.com.  There isn't a single location on the planet that Mother Nature can't occasionally slam from the top rope.

Fair warning and nuke Boca Raton

This page will have zombie related material, but it will not be exclusive to zombies.

Boy, glad that's over with.  It was pretty tense back there.  Lots of...tension.  Glad we made it through.  Together.

Last night, I went to Donut Fish's (daughter #1) 3rd grade class for Curriculum Night with her teacher.  I'm glad I only have to go to these things once a year.  I went to hear what the teacher had to say because Wifey said she couldn't go because of "work purposes".  DF's teacher started talking about their schedules for the day and how important reading was and zzzzzzzzzzz, and then she gets interrupted by one those 3rd grade parents. 

 "Do you have any extra time during the day for the struggler?" 

(Please keep your questions until the end.)

"Well, we haven't scheduled any..." 

"Because we're from Florida and they had 30 extra minutes a day for the kids that are struggling with their reading."

(Why are you interrupting her?)

"Well I go around during individual reading to..."

"But you don't have any extra time built for them?  How do you give the struggling kids a chance to catch up?

(Just let her talk so I can leave!)

"During individu..."

"Sorry, I'm from Florida and they do things different than they do here."

(No shit! They teach our kids to read!)

Other 3rd grade parent: "We lived in Florida too, where are you from?"

(There's more of you??)

"Boca Raton, you?"

(Go back!)

"Pensacola, we blah, blah, blah."

"Oh I love it there, we totally are going to have to talk later about this blah, puke, barf"

(I want to go home!)

Holy crap!  I'm a kid's dad.  I don't care where you're from.  I don't care for the snooty Boca Raton tone.  And why are you being snooty anyway?  My kid reads good.  I have to listen to the teacher and tell Wifey I listened to the teacher.  Zip it already!  I want to feed and get on Turntable.

Zombie tip: So when you're digging your moat around your fort, I highly suggest that you use a pick ax.  The longer you use it, the more you will get the rhythm and the feel of letting the tool do the work for you.  This new skill will prove to be very important in zombie combat (if you choose a pick ax as your weapon).  Also pay special attention to the technique that works best for you when dislodging the pick ax out of a sticky spot.  You'll need that technique to quickly retrieve your pick ax to prepare for the next attacker if it gets stuck in a roamer dome.  Food for thought.